Faithful

    I was spending some time with Jesus this morning at Starbucks -our favorite hang out spot- and going through the Purpose Driven Life book (which I LOVE!!). This morning was a chapter called When God Seems Distant. At first, I didn't think it really applied because lately I've felt Him near. But after reading the first page I realized that it was exactly what I was struggling with a year ago from today.
     I remember sitting on the bed of my dorm last year praying, asking God for direction, telling Him to give me something to work with, to answer ANY of my prayer requests. And what I got back was a completely unsatisfying, very confusing nothing. I was so frustrated! I was trying to include God on one of the most important decisions I was ever going to make and He wasn't complying at all in the way I thought that He would. It filled me with doubt- doubt of His goodness and doubt of my faith. I thought that if I was truly a Christian then He would answer me when I called. One day I was so overwhelmed with discouragement I even skipped class. And I never skip class! That's when ya know. So I took refuge in Job. Job has everything taken from Him and he cries out to God and God is completely silent for 38 chapters. That wasn't exactly encouraging at the time except to give me hope that one day He would answer me. Truthfully, part of me was more scared of His answer than His silence. I'm stubborn when it comes to giving up things I want, and God sure exposes my heart on that!
     This time last year I was Job in chapter 23. I felt like wherever I turned I couldn't find Him, even when I asked I had no idea what He was doing, and whatever plans He had for me He certainly wasn't filling me in on. But after a year of asking again and again, Him answering actually listening to Him, what I've learned is this: We won't always feel His presence, and we're not guaranteed to. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist, because it absolutely does. God withholds His voice to us when our disobedience would disregard it anyways or when He simply needs us to grow to trust Him more. But He withholds no good thing from us. The most comforting line of a book I've ever read was "He was faithful yesterday. He will not be unfaithful today". How great is that?! This time last year, I couldn't have honestly described God as faithful. I wanted to, and in the back of my mind I thought it to be true. But I felt like He wasn't coming to save me.
      When God finally spoke to me "out of the storm" (Job 38), His answer did confirm my fears. He's rearranged so much of my life in this last year. But over the year He's also explained His answer. He doesn't have to and He doesn't always but He did this time. And I can't tell you how shocked I've been to realize that giving up control brings freedom. It's freeing to trust in a God that knows what He's doing better than I do. And even when I didn't specifically hear Him, He had still given me a personal love letter and guide in the Bible, encouragement from friends who pointed me to Him and a multitude of songs/stories of people who went through the same thing. He never left me alone.
       I still don't hear His voice on every decision, but I have full assurance that He will be nothing but faithful. Seeing His plans play out explains Him and how He follows through on His promises. If He never did anything else for me ever again in this life, He would still be deserving of my trust because of what He's already done. Our God is a God of faithfulness, and because of what He's done we are free to never have to doubt that He will come through for us.